Mostly we’re told to keep an eye on our kids online by knowing their passwords and making it compulsory to be ‘friends’ with you, but danah boyd (she likes to be known only in lower case), Microsoft researcher and NYU media and culture professor, thinks a bit differently.
She wants mums and dads to BACK OFF and stop sneaking around. danah says that we should trust our kids online and not ‘stalk’ them.
Parents need to be present while their kids are online, but not cramp their style on their social media sites. By ‘stalking’ them, we are crippling their spirit and creativity.
We are inhibiting their ability to carve out their own identity.
In regards to stranger danger online, danah argues that most of the time, kids are just seeking out likeminded people with similar interests, and there’s no need for alarm. Unless the child is lonely or needing support they are not getting at home or with their friends.
“I think parental concern is misdirected on that. The anxiety I have about kids who constantly reach out to strangers is not a fear of sexual dangers, but what emotional support are they not getting from their peer group that’s leading them to do that? Though sometimes, you know, it’s totally healthy. Your daughter has an esoteric interest her friends don’t have, so she found her community or that on Tumblr. It’s a question of who they’re reaching out to, and why.” She said in a recent interview on slate.com.
danah also says that because of the fear mongering about predators and cyberbullying our preteens and teens are finding it harder to engage online in positive ways because of parental restrictions.
So how does she suggest that we monitor our kids without compromising their privacy? “Different stages have different training wheels. You pay much more attention at 13 than at 17. But even at 13, you have lots more conversations than you do surveillance. Then if you have concerns, you can amp it up.”
If parents feel like her gentle and respectful approach to online monitoring is the way to go, she has an interesting idea. Instead of handing over passwords, kids can write them down and put them in a secure piggy bank. That way, if there is ever an emergency, parents can break it open and retrieve the password. When the piggy bank is smashed, everyone knows. She encourages families to communicate openly and honestly and to stop the covert online operations. That means you, mum.
Why is social media so important for kids development as individuals?
danah says that the modern world has isolated kids and made them feel more vulnerable. She says that more often than not, online is where their friends are. That’s where they hang out together.
“The reason technology plays such a powerful role for them is that it’s how they can just get together. Other ways to do that have so eroded in the last two decades. We’re talking about systemic changes: fewer part-time youth jobs. Less access for them to cars and gas. Kids are more likely to be in schools where their friends don’t live within biking distance.“
If you think danah is Jatz crackers and that kids need major surveillance online, head to Cybersmart, a great technology resource for parents and kids. The approach is very different, but the intention is the same.
Everyone wants kids to be happy and safe online, it just depends which side of the fence you sit.
How do you monitor your kids online activities?
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